Random thoughts from deep in the mind

[Azmodeous]

Am I an asshole for being upset that my girlfriend comes home from work 3 hours early (just because, not sick or anything, while we're struggling to pay bills at the moment) and interrupted the first bit of time I had to myself in a while? I've been trying to watch a movie for four days and keep getting interrupted by everything. It's going to be days before I can even start it again now.

[Roxxxas]

Nope.

[Puns]

Not at all.

[Nikk]

Howdy!

[Iamspiderman]

Howdy!

Heylo!

[Puns]

So this morning was one of the worst mornings I’ve ever had in my entire life. Around 8 this morning Abraham wakes me up and says “Dad, Lily is gone!” So I scramble out of bed and ask what he means. He said he’s been up for several minutes and can’t find her anywhere. She’s not in her room. She’s not in the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, upstairs, nowhere to be found. So I run around yelling for her and freaking the fuck out because my children have never not been where they are supposed to. I run around the house yelling her name. Abraham is freaking the fuck out and keeps asking me where she is and what if somebody kidnapped her. Im starting to freak out so I start looking for anything broken. Nothing is broken. Nobody broke in and took her. All the locks are locked. Did she go outside for some reason on her own? But if she did, she couldn’t have locked the locks. I’m fucking panicking. I grab my phone and call Emily. She says “oh yeah, she got sick in the middle of the night and called me when she couldn’t wake you up and I came and got her.” Okay. I have PTSD and it’s best to not wake me up because whenever I am awoken I am fighting back because of the trauma suffered by my dad beating the fuck out of me while I was sleeping when I was a teenager. So now anytime anyone wakes me up, I’m automatically in defense mode and will defend myself against whatever attacker is attacking me. In my head, because in real life they’re only trying to wake me. That is a big reason why I’m not married anymore. My wife was afraid to wake me up. That’s not okay for a spouse to ever have to fear what might happen to her because something bad happened to me 25 years ago. But anyways, Emily fucking came and got her and didn’t say anything, didn’t text me, didn’t leave a ducking note. Nothing. I wake up from a dead sleep and I’m already terrified and immediately begin to panic. She told me multiple times to calm down and just breathe. I know she was trying to help, but it made me SO ANGRY all I could do was get off the phone. I’m not gonna yell at her over the phone because that won’t solve anything. Especially in front of Abraham. So I send her a text after a while when I finally calm down and let her know that is unacceptable and can never ever happen again. No parent should ever have to wake up and not know where one of their children is. I was so fucking scared I think I almost had a heart attack. It made my physically sick to my stomach. I talked to Lily to see what happened and she said I told her to “fuck off” when she tried waking me after she threw up. Which is not something I’d ever do awake. She said she thought I was mad at her for throwing up and called her mom because she didn’t know what else to do. I feel like a terrible father. My PTSD has now helped to end my marriage and is now interfering with my children’s lives and not just fucking with me. It’s caused so much pain throughout my life. Terrible, terrible morning.

Why the fuck do victims have to constantly and continually live with the pain and anguish while the abusers never spend a fucking waking moment thinking about what they’ve done to ruin other people’s lives?

[Puns]

Y’all remember the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski? Did you
know he was a victim of the CIA’s MK ULTRA program that caused him to lose his humanity? He was a mathematical super genius as a child and skipped multiple grades and went to Harvard when he was 16 where he was subjected to the CIA mind control program, which broke him mentally.

[Puns]

Is it advocating violence against a specific group of people to say that I believe that pedophiles should be removed from the gene pool if I want it done by changing laws that will put them to death? I don’t believe those people can ever be rehabilitated and will never change.

[Iamspiderman]

Is it advocating violence against a specific group of people to say that I believe that pedophiles should be removed from the gene pool if I want it done by changing laws that will put them to death? I don’t believe those people can ever be rehabilitated and will never change.

Technically yes, I guess? But I wouldn't stand in your way!

[Keith6601]

It's advocating violence, but one like that would be one people look the other way.

[ICEMAN KING PATSON]

I'm a big fan of chemical castration in those situations.

[Azmodeous]

Anyone else feel like they're all alone in your interests? Like you can find common ground with people on certain surface level things but if you dig deeper the things you really enjoy just come off as too weird and off-putting to people. I don't know how to properly articulate this other than it would be nice to discuss certain kinds of music without it being demeaned or laughed at for my enthusiasm over AV quality and gear. I'm never going to be the guy who likes Taylor Swift and most modern popular music does nothing for me so instead of coming off as a jerk I just don't discuss my feelings on it. I also don't give a crap about celebrity gossip, or most sports, and things like that so I feel at a distance constantly with a large majority of the population.

Nevermind the rambling, just would be nice to have a like minded friend for deeper talks for music and stuff in person more often if this makes any sense.

[Iamspiderman]

Anyone else feel like they're all alone in your interests? Like you can find common ground with people on certain surface level things but if you dig deeper the things you really enjoy just come off as too weird and off-putting to people. I don't know how to properly articulate this other than it would be nice to discuss certain kinds of music without it being demeaned or laughed at for my enthusiasm over AV quality and gear. I'm never going to be the guy who likes Taylor Swift and most modern popular music does nothing for me so instead of coming off as a jerk I just don't discuss my feelings on it. I also don't give a crap about celebrity gossip, or most sports, and things like that so I feel at a distance constantly with a large majority of the population.

Nevermind the rambling, just would be nice to have a like minded friend for deeper talks for music and stuff in person more often if this makes any sense.

I get that. I’d say find your pack so to speak on line but you mentioned in person talks. Its tough. Like I have friends to talk to about movies and wrestling but even they only wanna talk about it so long. Meanwhile I want to dig deep into topics but I know they won’t be as invested, so I keep em to me. Sadly I’ve gotten used to it now since I live alone for like 4 years now.

Keep your passion is all. And share with who you can whenever you want. It is better than not caring for anything like some people I know.

[Keith6601]

I just don't talk to people really anymore.

[Iamspiderman]

I just don't talk to people really anymore.

Same and I hate it. The loneliness hits and it sucks. Been tough last few days in particular. It is funny I was more of less fine and all it took was one person to ask me how I was and it just made my brain go into overdrive and now I’m stuck in it.

[Azmodeous]

Yes, I took a week off from work to be bombarded by marathon binges of Gray's Anatomy and the Voice. Totally relaxing having to sit through programming I despise all day long...

[Roxxxas]

Yes, I took a week off from work to be bombarded by marathon binges of Gray's Anatomy and the Voice. Totally relaxing having to sit through programming I despise all day long...

I’m enduring Will & Grace being played nonstop currently xD

[ICEMAN KING PATSON]

You off all week, D-Man?

[Azmodeous]

You off all week, D-Man?

Yeah, I always try to take the week of my birthday off to sit back and watch movies and stuff. Sherry decided to take the week off this year and she is a remote hog, essentially you watch what she wants when she's home.

[Keith6601]

Yes, I took a week off from work to be bombarded by marathon binges of Gray's Anatomy and the Voice. Totally relaxing having to sit through programming I despise all day long...

I hate when our days off coincide for this exact reason!